The last time I tried to get sober, I remember feeling elated at my almost 6-month milestone. I felt then like one might expect I would feel today. But I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the strength that allowed me to arrive at this day, but my celebration is tempered by the fact that tomorrow will be day 366 and I need to be ready for that.
It is also tempered by the fact that I am painfully and constantly aware of the shell of a human being I was.
Forgiving and accepting her has been the hardest part of this journey honestly. Truly.
If it wasn’t for the love of my family, I am not sure I would be here today. Not just…not writing this…but not here. I mean that. It was my mother who scraped me off the floor a year ago tonight. I’ll carry her and that day with me forever.
True Love is literally God and that binds us forever.
Tonight, I remain grounded in this milestone. Quiet. Reflective. Focused. I think that mindset has helped keep me on this path. Before I would make a crusade of recovery, attempting to change everything I didn’t like about myself all at once, even flipping off the liquor store like some kind of petulant child.
But alcoholism is a demon for a grown, bad-ass woman. Not a little girl. And this woman just wants to wake up, have coffee, pet her cats–be the best version of herself she can be on any given day. That’s enough for now.
I am not recovered. I am recovering. Present tense. That will never change. One day at a time is true for all of us, addict or not. It has power because it is all we ever have. The moment we are in. And it is never too late to become the person you might have been.
For anyone reading this quietly struggling, hiding, lying, self-destructing, I see you and your worth and will always be an ear here. Take that or leave it.
Addicts in recovery have profound compassion for others because we know what hell looks like. We all have abandoned homes there. I remember every nook and cranny.
Ok, well, to be honest, I find myself longing for my PS4 and some herbal tea. Another perk of sobriety…gaming stamina. Lol.
I just couldn’t let this milestone pass without marking it here with a few words.
All my love to you and yours,