I still don’t feel like celebrating. I’ve arrived only at today. Simple me, in sweat pants in a quiet room with two cats on my left and a cup of coffee on my nightstand.
There are plenty of things I think I’d change about myself if I could wave a wand. I weigh too much. My wardrobe is tired. I spend far too much time alone. My timeline isn’t full of travel destinations or photos with the love of my life.
But I am fully present with myself and content enough running my fingers lovingly over all the things I think I would change to make me happier.
The truth is, I love my company. And I love Tillamook ice cream more than a respectable BMI. And if I were in Paris right now I’d be thinking of my blind cat, Andy, and the missing would throb like a wound.
The only face in a photo I am grateful to see is mine because it means I’m still here and I’m still in love with this life. God, my Love is a force. My only regret is I can’t make the whole world feel it at once. I wish I could change your life with my love. I wish you could type “Cassandra.com” and see headline after headline of everything that’s still right and beautiful within this very breath we are taking.
Six months sober has nothing to do with me. That’s my gift to myself. My mother said, “it’s like a whole new world opened up” and she’s right. Love doesn’t always feel good. The best kind is a blood letting. And life can certainly feel like it passed over millions of others just to pluck you out for some senseless cruelty.
But you can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy. Did you all see that beautiful woman, Nightbirde, in your feed? Her song, “It’s ok (Brave).” I think there are so damn many “Nightbirdes” out there. Quietly going about the business of loving in a world where no one knows what the truth is anymore.
But I know a lie when I see one. Pain, depression, betrayal, disease…they are all powerful mentors. And it’s ok. They bark more than they bite. Don’t be afraid anymore. Burn all the pages of your life and start writing today. I promise it won’t be boring. I’ll start. My sweat pants are comfortable, I have absolutely nothing planned and god damnit, my cats are fucking adorable.
Ok then, well, I just wanted to share this milestone, which feels like more of a “by the way” than an acceptance speech and that comforts me.
The only thing that would make my day is if someone would leave a picture of something beautiful or simply life-affirming in response to this. Your dog, your cat, your kid, the love of your life, YOU, a book, your TV, a bowl of ice cream. Haha.
I only want to celebrate with you.