It’s been awhile since I’ve checked in here so I simply wanted to say hello and extend my love and well wishes. I just passed my four month mark! I’m absolutely counting the days of course, but not with the same measure of desperation as I was in the beginning.
I am still trying to find some semblance of Cassandra’s normal. Maybe that is a fruitless effort, recovering alcoholic or not. Haha. I’ve never been good at moderation with anything in my life and sobriety has proven to be this creative and dominant force, manifesting so many sweet somethings out of nothings. And it does it without a sound. No trumpet announcements or declarations. It just IS.
Maybe I should try to explain what I mean. It takes a lot of energy to be an alcoholic. Even if you do little else than lie there and drink yourself to death. I think we take for granted how much of our life force is over-cooking on the inside. It all just boils and hisses in there…sours and rots…never to be dumped or cleansed.
Life always tries to find a way. Suppressing it is a perversion of its nature and our little vessels pay the price. So when I stopped drinking I had no idea what to do with all that emerging power. It was so used to being channeled into the needs of my addiction that the energy of it felt like anxiety; not just life trying to be life.
So I start thinking to myself…I know, I’ll start going to the gym every day…I’ll start writing every day…I’ll impose schedules and routines and mold myself into a sparkling, well-adjusted being, surely as God intended.
And before I know it, I find myself in this place where all that energy that was previously rotting in the inside is spilling out into the world in waves mostly to evaporate because it’s spread too thin.
So, all that to say, I’m just letting my life live. All I feel compelled to do at the moment is be grateful witness to its simplicity. Sleep, eat, breathe, love, steward, work, provide, give, rest, watch, wonder. Be still, grateful, and present. That’s more than enough. It’s not even a question of is it enough really; it is what it is inherently and our egos get in its way far too much.
I’m not sure if I make sense, but that’s ok too. I am here. I am sober. Day 124.
Blessings to all of you. And once again, sending out a little extra of my precious “alive” into the universe for those struggling with addiction and depression.
We’ve watched you travel through some of these parts of your recovery, some with joy and some with worry. You are finally getting to the good part…realizing you don’t need to remake yourself but to celebrate the magnificent woman you are. Proud doesn’t begin to express how we feel.
What connected with me too was when you said “life finds a way”. In our yard either the wind or a bird planted a seed of a Bird of Paradise bush, unfortunately in a undesirable place. So we pulled it out. Months later it started up again. I wanted to keep it but dad and yard workers we hired said a firm no. Well guess what? She’s back with a vengeance! Dad and I looked at her this morning and we both decided to let her stay. Dad’s very words were “life will find a way”. But this time we didn’t just decide to not dig her out but we are going to stake her up and nourish her. If she fought that hard to survive then she’s found a home.
Keep up the fight my beauty. ❤️❤️❤️
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That is a beautiful and substantive reply and I’m staking it up inside my soul and nourishing it too. Especially the much needed to hear, “you don’t have to remake yourself.” You nailed it succinctly. That is what I’m trying to digest. God I love you. Thank you both so much. You are a presence I’m always and eternally grateful for.
HUGE congrats on 4 months!
Your post makes plenty of sense, at least to those of us who appreciate sobriety and know how challenging it can be early on. You are not alone in your battles. 😉
Our disease wants us dead, but here’s the thing: it will settle for us being miserable. And if we stay miserable long enough, well… we will eventually find our way back to the bottle, and our disease will ultimately get what it wants.
Keep up the good fight. 🙂