Another milestone today. I approach this one with a little more reckless joy than the last, but I’m still too afraid to dive headlong into the deep of celebration. I trust that trepidation though so I’m honoring it.
I’ve been selfish of late. Eating right, exercising, indulging all the whims of my weirdness. Amazon packages left and right dropped at my door, full of books and oddities that are uniquely me. Staying sober, above all. Happy. I’m trying on sweaters and happy is fitting for the first time in my adult life.
Throwing a harness around all the aspects of my wellness and driving them in unison is something I’ve never attempted before. There is magic in all the muscles stretching and straining together. We are the most fantastically complex and simple beings all at once. So I tend to feed both my wolves, the dark and the light, as they are both high maintenance predators. Yin needs yang, the moon the sun, and a solid self-care routine needs to make room for a bit of morose from time to time.
I’ve had my cheat days. Sleeping in and politely commanding Alexa to “play Dead Files.” Succumbing to my nacho cheese and jalapeno addiction. Cheese though, only cheese. And then I’ve had my share of darker slips into shadows, usually alone in my bed at night. My mind inevitably returning to moments of regret. Things I’ve done. Things I’ve said. People I’ve hurt. All the lost time. The remembering is painful and embarrassing. Like waking up only to discover that someone violated you in your sleep and filmed the whole thing.
Eventually I will find a place for it all because I want to heal. And the bad is just as beautiful and weighty as the good, perhaps more. It’s a touchstone, not a permanent residence anymore.
The greatest gift I have tonight besides my sobriety is gratitude. Gratitude. I journal that word every single day and for once I mean it. Even the really bad days because it means I’m alive and can still keep trying. Learning, healing, loving and reaching for the more that is already inside of me.
In parting, I have to share this piece from my current favorite poet. W.S. Merwin from the Garden Time book. It’s called “The Morning” and it captures beautifully my heart right now. That urgent gravity of lusting for life coupled with the knowledge that it is so damn fragile. He says:
“Would I love it this way if it could last
would I love it this way if it
were the whole sky the one heaven
or if I could believe that it belonged to me
a possession that was mine alone
or if I imagined that it noticed me
recognized me and may have come to see me
out of all the mornings that I never knew
and all those that I have forgotten
would I love it this way if I were somewhere else
or if I were younger for the first time
or if these very birds were not singing
or I could not hear them or see their trees
would I love it this way if I were in pain
red torment of body or gray void of grief
would I love it this way if I knew
that I would remember anything that is
here now anything anything”
THAT is what I’m most in love with about myself tonight. I’ve rediscovered that girl…no I’m becoming the woman that girl caught a glimpse of all those years ago. Way back when we had the courage to set the bar high for ourselves. And just try. Try. Every day, just get up and try.
There is so much to see, to feel and to become. I cling to that sentence with the same ferocity as I do my sobriety.
Huge Love to all of you. I pray with all my heart, mind and spirit for all of you and especially for those struggling with addiction and depression. I know the walls of your hell and I am here for you.