Today was full of ups and downs and I can’t decide if all of it or none of it had anything to do with my disease. But I’ll leave out (at least for the time being) all the very painful, very personal components and focus solely on the good.
I made my first home office this weekend. My first! I’ve been prepping for it for some time, but my desk and chair came Friday so I was finally able to fill the tiny room with tangible pieces of my soul. Reminders of who I really am. Most of my favorite poets. My little knickknack eccentricities. My grandpa’s unique and soulful music collection. My cats. The girl I forgot about.
I spent most of the night just looking around this 10 by 12 room breathing in the sacred silence. The space that I labored to create all on my own. Reading the prints on my wall for the millionth time, gliding my fingertips over the tops of books, inhaling the sweetness of a cafe mocha candle I found at Alberton’s Friday night.
I haven’t had a night like this…I was going to say in years, but I’m going to have to settle on the word EVER. I’m doing so many things I’ve never done before and it feels wonderful. Even the truly agonizing firsts are beautiful. Hard, long overdue conversations with my daughter, for example. To be present and strong through tears feels ancient, primal, and exhilarating. Ok, and a little bit shitty too.
But I want it all. I want every ounce of pain or joy I’ve ever caused another returned to me tenfold. I’m good for it and I’ve only just begun. I’ve spent my entire adult life suppressing this woman I only started to discover in college. I suffocated her in unhealthy relationships, drowned her in wine and hid her in a closet.
God, it feels so good to open the blinds and wash the windows. To see and be seen. It’s taken me 8 years to reclaim this home after my divorce. I fought for this little rock because I loved it so much and then I just let it atrophy right next to my own lifeless body. I had no idea the healing that would unfurl as I put work into both of us.
I guess I just spent too long being terrified of whether or not I could even support myself and my daughter on my own, let alone create a beautiful space in which to thrive. I’m ready now to walk into the unknown. Time makes us bolder.
In any case, I think that old college girl is worth the reacquaintance.
Gasp. What do you know, something else I’ve never done before…extend a little kindness and forgiveness to ME.
Maybe I’ll quit while I’m ahead. ; )
But be warned, poetry soup is simmering inside this sanctuary of mine. I’ll try not to be too cheesy in the days ahead. No promises though.
Today I am grateful. So damn grateful.