Milestone day has arrived, though it comes with a lingering, whopper of a cold and a broken coffee maker. O, the humanity! But more than 60 days ago, I wouldn’t even have cared about having coffee and I would already be sick. So, dang it, I am thrilled to make this report today!
I almost immediately set up my 90 day milestone on this site, but I need to let this simmer. I struggle with “feeling proud of myself” and I always have, but I’m trying, reeeeallly trying, to change EVERYTHING.
And that is so much more than just “not drinking.”
In A.A., I would go to the front of the room, take my 60 day chip and answer some variation of this question for the group: How have you stayed sober for 60 days?
Impossible to answer adequately, right? No matter what you say it feels trite, even if it’s the truth. But what is trite anyway? Ordinary? Common? Maybe some truths are just that and why shouldn’t they be.
My 60 day answer is my mother.
Her unconditional love and support has been unrelenting my entire life. 60 days ago she was there to pick me up off of the floor. She was there to see me, love me, piss me off, cry, rage and together we cast off once again this demon that I have been fighting for so many years.
For 60 days I have texted her with my day count. (Day 60, Mom!) Maybe this is too big of a burden to place on a family member. I struggle with that too. But I know her and the not knowing and being shut out is FAR worse. Trust me on this one. Lol.
You hear a lot of talk in A.A about your “higher power.” I do believe in God; I just believe God is here and now, accessible through our senses and attainable through our relationships with human beings and this beautiful world. God is my mother. God is not something separate and above that. God IS that.
So today I hold my mother’s hand as God holds hers. And I get to feel that unity. Every day. Truly, every single day. I close my eyes and hold that and it feels like magic in the middle of an ordinary afternoon.
Today I have life, gratitude and hope for the hard days ahead. I am not ready to feel proud, or to proclaim “we do recover” but I can say I’m sober and starting to love myself again.
And that’s enough. I can cup that gently in my palm and keep walking.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY DIANA WARREN!
And Happy Mother’s Day to every kind of mother there is out there. I see you all. You literally sustain the earth. Dare to love yourself on your own merit. We need you just as you are.
And thank you to everyone from the depths of my heart, for being here and simply giving life to these words by reading them. There is power in that.